Why “Who Am I?” Is the Most Important Leadership Question Ever

Photo by Simone Secci on Unsplash

How do you respond to the question, "Who am I?"

I know what you might be thinking. Seriously? "Who am I" is THE most important question ever?!?

Let me assure you: If you want to be effective in life and leadership, you owe it to yourself to walk this question out. Identity—who you think you are, who you could be or should be—drives everything you do and how you do it.

Our usual response to "Who am I?" is to describe what we do. This includes the roles we play, our achievements or pastimes ... you know, the answers to the "so-tell-me-about-yourself" question. Of course, we know that what we do doesn't really describe who we are. But to go much deeper than that in casual conversation would be awkward and uber-transparent, so we stay conveniently surfacy.

Convenient, because most of us wouldn't know what to say, anyway.

“If you want to be effective in life and leadership, you owe it to yourself to walk this question out.”

A Follow-Up Question

Asking "Who am I?" unlocks another powerful question that we should consider: "Am I who I want to be?"

It's bigger because it introduces some important and inescapable elements. Let’s walk through them…

1) Purpose or calling. This second question exposes a conviction that there's a reason we're alive. We don't know how we know it, but we know we are more than just a consequence of our birth parents' co-involvement in sexual intercourse.

2) Quality or relative measurement. ”Am I who I want to be?” assumes (or maybe presumes?) that we can evaluate our identity according to some kind of standard. In other words, I get a sense that I may not be living up to expectations. And, as long as we're wading into the conversation, exactly who's expectations are we sensing? Our own? Someone else's? God's? The universe's?  

And even if we can't figure that out, the question of being who we want to be—which our gut tells us is inescapably relevant—presupposes that there's a confirmed way to know.

“...we know we are more than just a consequence of our birth parents’ co-involvement in sexual intercourse.”

3) Aspiration. The word "want" is perhaps the most prominent word in the question. It reveals a longing that we are sometimes aware of in the quiet, desperate, joyful or sentimental moments in life.

When we allow ourselves the freedom—or the courage—to dream and envision ourselves being aligned with 1) our purpose and calling, and 2) our unique design, we have an assurance that’s hard to justify or explain, a desire for fulfillment that goes much deeper than just a consumeristic craving. It motivates us to change, to abandon the stuff of life we now sense is temporal and trendy and to pursue the deeper values and truths that support this deep “want.”

“...we have an assurance that’s hard to justify or explain, a desire for fulfillment that goes much deeper than a consumeristic craving.”

So … Are You Who You Want To Be?

Though we may not feel comfortable answering “yes” to that question, we want to be able to answer with a yes. Considering the question reveals an ideal identity that each of us is destined for. It exposes a gap between who we are now and who we could be, and that gap reveals our life’s purpose, a calling intended specifically for us.

Ironically, even though we’re not there yet, knowing who we want to be brings clarity, confidence and faith. We’re on the path to becoming who we want to be. And simply knowing we’re on the right path allows us to respond with a “yes,” though technically it’s more of a “yes, and not yet.”

The longing to know who we are and the hope that we can actually be who we want to be is evidence to follow. Your unique identity is out there waiting to be discovered. It is the compass that directs our conscience and intuition. It is the foundation on which our values, principles, relationships and beliefs are built upon. All these act as guides for the behaviors, strategies, goals and commitments we make in life. We know what to do.

“Identity is the foundation on which our values, principles, relationships and beliefs are built upon.”

What To Do With All This?

At the risk of sounding impractical, the first thing to do is assess what you need to STOP doing. Our tendency is to experiment with the stuff of life (hobbies, relationships, cars, clothes, diet, entertainment, etc.) in the hopes we’ll catch lightning in a bottle and find something that unlocks the secret to our ideal identity. But more experimentation only clouds the issue.

Instead, STOP “doing” long enough to reflect. Of course, stopping breeds fear because doing something at least gives us a sense that we’re in control. But it’s a false sense of control; a virtual reality.

This is where courage comes in. Be brave enough to face the journey in front of you. Take time to reflect on the foundational things in your life, things you know to be true. The process will be different for each of us, but let me offer a few suggestions that might prove helpful.

• Explore things like truth, core beliefs, values, relationships, etc.

• Steer away from situational or fleeting things like money, approval, status, material things, etc.

• Consider things that will promote a communal perspective beyond your own personal interests, and de-emphasize things that will elevate your importance above others.

• If you’re a person of faith, this is where the core elements of your belief system will come into play.

• Think “legacy” … what will outlast your lifespan?

• Expect this to take some time. This is the psychological equivalent to wine-making: It will take some time to ferment and sweeten. Don’t be alarmed if it doesn’t all download in an instant. You may get some initial clarity, but chances are even that clarity will mature as you continue to reflect. Have courage.

Resources

For those with a Christian faith orientation, I’ve created a downloadable Identity Mapping Process that uses a biblical framework to convey the truth (as I understand it) that God has destined each of us to be a unique reflection of Jesus in our life-space. As such, Jesus is the ideal identity we are seeking after.

Of course, I also encourage you to pick up a copy of Are You Who You Want to Be: How Knowing Your Identity Lets You Live Your True Purpose. It’s available in print, e-book and audio version. You can also get The Field Guide to Are You Who You Want to Be, a step-by-step workbook to explore as a study guide either individually or with a group.

The scariest part is simply to begin. As one who has gone through this process and found freedom and confidence on the other side, I encourage you to muster up the courage to take the first step. You’ll be glad you did!

“The scariest part is simply to begin.”