Why Having the Last Word Can Kill Your Leadership Influence

Photo by Steven Depolo

Leaders often settle for control when they could have influence instead. Mind you, control in leadership is not necessarily a bad thing—in fact, in many situations it's vital. But it's only one approach.

One of the most common ways that the control vs. influence question shows up is in communication. Leaders with a control-first approach tend to talk more, listen less and generally dominate conversations.

You might say they actively seek to "win" the conversation by being the most visible and obvious speaker. There's a natural tendency to believe that if I'm talking, I'm in control—or, more accurately, if I'm not talking I've lost control. Nothing could be further from the truth.

“There’s a natural tendency to believe that ... if I’m not talking I’ve lost control.”

And Your Point Is...?

The only time you need to be in control is when you really need to be—which is actually a minority 100% the time.

So What?

The tendency to "win" conversations likely comes from patterns developed over years of controlling conversations and getting some good results, so you did it more; rinse and repeat. Now it's a habit you don't even know you have—and it's undermining your influence—though none of your subordinates are probably going to tell you about it.

In fact, they are probably working hard to emulate you because you consistently model the (perceived) behavior required to move up in the organization. So you're not only building this behavior pattern into your team, you’re also very likely baking it into the culture of your organization.

“Now it’s a habit you don’t even know you have—and it’s undermining your influence.”

You're also missing opportunities to listen to what your team is really thinking, what they actually know and how they would handle things—apart from your direction. As Andy Stanley put it, "Leaders who don't listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say." So, do you really need to have the last word?

The Big Picture

Think: What's the goal of leadership? Is it submission to our dominance as leaders? Or is it to influence other people to develop and achieve their highest possible level of success/effectiveness?

“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.”

— Andy Stanley

I strongly recommend shooting for the latter, which only comes when we give away control and decision-making authority to those we lead.

Your Next Step

Ask: What's really driving my dominating behavior? What is preventing me from being content with letting the other person "win" the conversation (when my control is not essential to the outcome)?

“What is preventing me from being content with letting the other person ‘win’ the conversation?”

Think: Start with the end in mind. For any conversation, fix in your mind the best possible outcome—for the other person. Then let your words (or your silence) drive the content of the conversation.

Looking For a Resource?

Why “Who Am I?” Is the Most Important Leadership Question Ever

Photo by Simone Secci on Unsplash

How do you respond to the question, "Who am I?"

I know what you might be thinking. Seriously? "Who am I" is THE most important question ever?!?

Let me assure you: If you want to be effective in life and leadership, you owe it to yourself to walk this question out. Identity—who you think you are, who you could be or should be—drives everything you do and how you do it.

Our usual response to "Who am I?" is to describe what we do. This includes the roles we play, our achievements or pastimes ... you know, the answers to the "so-tell-me-about-yourself" question. Of course, we know that what we do doesn't really describe who we are. But to go much deeper than that in casual conversation would be awkward and uber-transparent, so we stay conveniently surfacy.

Convenient, because most of us wouldn't know what to say, anyway.

“If you want to be effective in life and leadership, you owe it to yourself to walk this question out.”

A Follow-Up Question

Asking "Who am I?" unlocks another powerful question that we should consider: "Am I who I want to be?"

It's bigger because it introduces some important and inescapable elements. Let’s walk through them…

1) Purpose or calling. This second question exposes a conviction that there's a reason we're alive. We don't know how we know it, but we know we are more than just a consequence of our birth parents' co-involvement in sexual intercourse.

2) Quality or relative measurement. ”Am I who I want to be?” assumes (or maybe presumes?) that we can evaluate our identity according to some kind of standard. In other words, I get a sense that I may not be living up to expectations. And, as long as we're wading into the conversation, exactly who's expectations are we sensing? Our own? Someone else's? God's? The universe's?  

And even if we can't figure that out, the question of being who we want to be—which our gut tells us is inescapably relevant—presupposes that there's a confirmed way to know.

“...we know we are more than just a consequence of our birth parents’ co-involvement in sexual intercourse.”

3) Aspiration. The word "want" is perhaps the most prominent word in the question. It reveals a longing that we are sometimes aware of in the quiet, desperate, joyful or sentimental moments in life.

When we allow ourselves the freedom—or the courage—to dream and envision ourselves being aligned with 1) our purpose and calling, and 2) our unique design, we have an assurance that’s hard to justify or explain, a desire for fulfillment that goes much deeper than just a consumeristic craving. It motivates us to change, to abandon the stuff of life we now sense is temporal and trendy and to pursue the deeper values and truths that support this deep “want.”

“...we have an assurance that’s hard to justify or explain, a desire for fulfillment that goes much deeper than a consumeristic craving.”

So … Are You Who You Want To Be?

Though we may not feel comfortable answering “yes” to that question, we want to be able to answer with a yes. Considering the question reveals an ideal identity that each of us is destined for. It exposes a gap between who we are now and who we could be, and that gap reveals our life’s purpose, a calling intended specifically for us.

Ironically, even though we’re not there yet, knowing who we want to be brings clarity, confidence and faith. We’re on the path to becoming who we want to be. And simply knowing we’re on the right path allows us to respond with a “yes,” though technically it’s more of a “yes, and not yet.”

The longing to know who we are and the hope that we can actually be who we want to be is evidence to follow. Your unique identity is out there waiting to be discovered. It is the compass that directs our conscience and intuition. It is the foundation on which our values, principles, relationships and beliefs are built upon. All these act as guides for the behaviors, strategies, goals and commitments we make in life. We know what to do.

“Identity is the foundation on which our values, principles, relationships and beliefs are built upon.”

What To Do With All This?

At the risk of sounding impractical, the first thing to do is assess what you need to STOP doing. Our tendency is to experiment with the stuff of life (hobbies, relationships, cars, clothes, diet, entertainment, etc.) in the hopes we’ll catch lightning in a bottle and find something that unlocks the secret to our ideal identity. But more experimentation only clouds the issue.

Instead, STOP “doing” long enough to reflect. Of course, stopping breeds fear because doing something at least gives us a sense that we’re in control. But it’s a false sense of control; a virtual reality.

This is where courage comes in. Be brave enough to face the journey in front of you. Take time to reflect on the foundational things in your life, things you know to be true. The process will be different for each of us, but let me offer a few suggestions that might prove helpful.

• Explore things like truth, core beliefs, values, relationships, etc.

• Steer away from situational or fleeting things like money, approval, status, material things, etc.

• Consider things that will promote a communal perspective beyond your own personal interests, and de-emphasize things that will elevate your importance above others.

• If you’re a person of faith, this is where the core elements of your belief system will come into play.

• Think “legacy” … what will outlast your lifespan?

• Expect this to take some time. This is the psychological equivalent to wine-making: It will take some time to ferment and sweeten. Don’t be alarmed if it doesn’t all download in an instant. You may get some initial clarity, but chances are even that clarity will mature as you continue to reflect. Have courage.

Resources

For those with a Christian faith orientation, I’ve created a downloadable Identity Mapping Process that uses a biblical framework to convey the truth (as I understand it) that God has destined each of us to be a unique reflection of Jesus in our life-space. As such, Jesus is the ideal identity we are seeking after.

Of course, I also encourage you to pick up a copy of Are You Who You Want to Be: How Knowing Your Identity Lets You Live Your True Purpose. It’s available in print, e-book and audio version. You can also get The Field Guide to Are You Who You Want to Be, a step-by-step workbook to explore as a study guide either individually or with a group.

The scariest part is simply to begin. As one who has gone through this process and found freedom and confidence on the other side, I encourage you to muster up the courage to take the first step. You’ll be glad you did!

“The scariest part is simply to begin.”

Are You Who You Want to Be: You Can Know Your True Identity

Photo by Kyle Glenn on Unsplash

Question: Are you who you want to be?

And Your Point Is…?

In my experience, most people say they don’t—or can’t—know who they want to be.

So What?

We usually approach our identity by looking outside ourselves, using our environment and other people to define us. I call this living “Inside-Out.” Just like glaciers that shape mountains, events and others’ opinions shape how we see ourselves—often with dramatic results.

We also look backward, basing our identity on who we’ve always been. I call this a Backwards-Reference approach. It’s like trying to drive forward using the rear-view mirror—really hard, and extremely limiting.

“Just like glaciers that shape mountains, events and others’ opinions shape how we see ourselves—often with dramatic results.”

Looking outside and backward guarantees we’ll never discover who we most deeply want to be. Neither approach accounts for God being the only source of insight into our unique identity.

The Big Picture

After a personal 25-year identity quest, I can now confidently say: I am who I want to be. Though not yet perfect, I’m living out my identity with increasing peace, clarity and focus—purpose.

“A Backwards-Reference approach is like trying to drive forward using the rear-view mirror—really hard, and extremely limiting.”

I’d like to share my discoveries and the principles I’ve learned in an upcoming book, Are You Who You Want to Be: How Knowing Your Identity Lets You Live Your True Purpose. This book will help you …

• Stop experimenting at defining who you are,

• Disengage from the person you’ve always been,

• Stop being who you don’t want to be, and …

• See how faith informs the person you want to be.
  

“Though not yet perfect, I’m living out my identity with increasing peace, clarity and focus—purpose.”

Your Next Step

You can sign up to be a part of the Pre-Launch Team for Are You Who You Want to Be and get regular emails that unpack and help you apply the principles. PLUS, you’ll receive a pre-release copy of the manuscript if you’re one of the first 15 people to sign up.

All that I ask in return is that you talk it up. I’ll be providing shareable content that you can push out to your network. This will be crucial in raising awareness for when the book launches.

Finally, I ask you to consider this: As the only you that will ever exist in human history, if you don’t know your designed identity there’s no way to live it out. Meaning, you’ll be frustrated and the world will miss out on seeing a reflection of God that he purposed to be revealed in and through you.

Isn’t it worth, at the very least, exploring who you want to be?

“if you don’t know your designed identity … you’ll be frustrated and the world will miss out on seeing a reflection of God that he purposed to be revealed in and through you.”

Here’s a longer article on this topic at Medium.com.

Being Productive May Be Making You Ineffective

You know that feeling: when there’s more to do than time to do it? And you wake up after your most productive day ever, realizing you have to repeat the effort just to keep up?

One outcome of a marketplace that idolizes productivity is that productivity becomes our metric for success. We get pushed outside of attentive effort, trying to do more in less time—which is ultimately unsustainable, and exasperating.

We end up like a hamster.

In a wheel.

Furiously going nowhere fast.

Operating inattentively, outside of flow, distracts us into mistaking activity for achievement, and productivity for effectiveness.

“We get pushed outside of attentive effort, trying to do more in less time—which is ultimately unsustainable, and exasperating.”

And Your Point Is...?

If your approach to your work is to excel at managing your to-do’s, there’s a good chance you’re excelling at the wrong things.

So What?

Instead of starting with what needs to get done, start with how you get things done. I describe this as “calendaring energy.” In other words, set aside the time in your calendar that you work most effectively, then prioritize the work that goes in those calendar slots.

Personally, I’m most clear-headed in the early morning. So that’s when I focus on tasks requiring creativity or critical thinking. As the day goes on I focus on execution-oriented tasks, finally finishing with admin or tasks that require very little creative energy. By dinner time, my energy tank is usually empty.

“If your approach to your work is to excel at managing your to-do’s, there’s a good chance you’re excelling at the wrong things.”

Knowing I have specific windows in which to accomplish my priorities makes the choice of tasks—and how I do them—extremely important. It makes it easier to say no to things I previously said yes to, and I’m more aware of inefficiencies in my approach to work.

Obviously, your mileage will vary with a different environment (kids, fluid work conditions, non-traditional working hours, commuting, etc.). If you’re a night person, your energy levels may be opposite from mine.

Even so, I’m confident you can still find ways to work energy-first from your calendar.

“Instead of starting with what needs to get done, start with how you get things done”

The Big Picture

Ultimately, the prize doesn’t go to the fastest hamster. It goes to the one who’s most effective at leveraging their talents, gifting and experience to the fullest—in a way that aligns with their purpose and calling.

Your Next Step

My advice: Just begin. Start small, be patient and see what happens.

Here’s a longer article on this topic at Medium.com, or you can download a pdf.

“Ultimately, the prize doesn’t go to the fastest hamster.”

Need some practical help on this?

Here’s a resource I’ve found that supports calendaring your energy:

What Commuting Taught Me About Leadership – Stay Humble

Recently I left a job at a great company but with a long daily commute. This is the final entry of a 7-post series on things I learned about leadership on those long and tedious hours on the road.
– – – – –

I believe I’m a reasonably accomplished driver. It’d be easy to relax and not work at improving my driving skills, based on miles I’ve driven and the success I’ve demonstrated at dodging other drivers’ poor decisions.

Yet I must face the facts. There are still times I’ve started to change lanes unaware that someone was in my blind spot, or turned a corner roughly or braked sooner—or later—than I could have.

If I don’t face those facts, I’ll start thinking I don’t need to get better. Which leads to thinking I can’t get any better. Which tells me that I’m better than anyone else. Then I’m convinced that accidents only happen to other people. Which leads me to believe that accidents can’t happen to me. Then I stop using my skills. Then I get careless. Then I’m a bad driver—who still thinks he’s a good driver.

Scary.

“If I don’t face those facts, I’ll start thinking I don’t need to get better.”

And Your Point Is…?

The only way we can get better is to believe that we can get better.

So What?

I have a favorite leadership development mantra: You can’t get better by continuing to do what you’re already good at. It’s easy to over-leverage what has made us successful, whether that’s experience, personality, intelligence, tenacity … whatever.

“You can’t get better by continuing to do what you’re already good at.”

But to borrow Marshall Goldsmith’s perfectly titled book, What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, all those success-generating traits have a ceiling, a limit. Overusing them can make us think we’re a good leader, when we’re really just riding the wave of past success.

This creates blind spots, where we miss opportunities to lead more effectively. And it won’t prepare us for the leadership challenges to come.

“Overusing them can make us think we’re a good leader, when we’re really just riding the wave of past success.”

This requires a level of humility, and a dispassionate, objective view of ourselves. All with a sense of self-acceptance (i.e. my value isn’t based on my performance), coupled with a drive to improve (to fulfill our potential).

The Big Picture

It might seem odd to pair personal development with humility, but there’s a very strong correlation. People who aren’t humble aren’t hungry to learn and grow; there’s no incentive to get better. It takes humility to recognize you have untapped potential.

Your Next Step

Get someone who knows you and has your best interests in mind to reveal how you can improve. Do a 360-leadership assessment. Get a coach. But above all: Believe that you can get better.

Then never stop trying.

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