Why Having the Last Word Can Kill Your Leadership Influence

Photo by Steven Depolo

Leaders often settle for control when they could have influence instead. Mind you, control in leadership is not necessarily a bad thing—in fact, in many situations it's vital. But it's only one approach.

One of the most common ways that the control vs. influence question shows up is in communication. Leaders with a control-first approach tend to talk more, listen less and generally dominate conversations.

You might say they actively seek to "win" the conversation by being the most visible and obvious speaker. There's a natural tendency to believe that if I'm talking, I'm in control—or, more accurately, if I'm not talking I've lost control. Nothing could be further from the truth.

“There’s a natural tendency to believe that ... if I’m not talking I’ve lost control.”

And Your Point Is...?

The only time you need to be in control is when you really need to be—which is actually a minority 100% the time.

So What?

The tendency to "win" conversations likely comes from patterns developed over years of controlling conversations and getting some good results, so you did it more; rinse and repeat. Now it's a habit you don't even know you have—and it's undermining your influence—though none of your subordinates are probably going to tell you about it.

In fact, they are probably working hard to emulate you because you consistently model the (perceived) behavior required to move up in the organization. So you're not only building this behavior pattern into your team, you’re also very likely baking it into the culture of your organization.

“Now it’s a habit you don’t even know you have—and it’s undermining your influence.”

You're also missing opportunities to listen to what your team is really thinking, what they actually know and how they would handle things—apart from your direction. As Andy Stanley put it, "Leaders who don't listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say." So, do you really need to have the last word?

The Big Picture

Think: What's the goal of leadership? Is it submission to our dominance as leaders? Or is it to influence other people to develop and achieve their highest possible level of success/effectiveness?

“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.”

— Andy Stanley

I strongly recommend shooting for the latter, which only comes when we give away control and decision-making authority to those we lead.

Your Next Step

Ask: What's really driving my dominating behavior? What is preventing me from being content with letting the other person "win" the conversation (when my control is not essential to the outcome)?

“What is preventing me from being content with letting the other person ‘win’ the conversation?”

Think: Start with the end in mind. For any conversation, fix in your mind the best possible outcome—for the other person. Then let your words (or your silence) drive the content of the conversation.

Looking For a Resource?

Stop Trying to Be the Smartest Person in the Room

Image by Brain Light

In any group of people, only one (or maybe two) of them can be the smartest, right?

So the next time you find yourself in a room of people and are tempted to try to make a good impression with your experience or mental horsepower, or to establish yourself as a “player,” you would do well to face the simple reality that there can be only one smartest person in any given room.

“You would do well to face the simple reality that there can be only one smartest person in any given room.”

And Your Point Is...?

You either are the smartest person in the room, or you're not.

So What?

It's natural to want to make the best possible impression on others, especially if it's a group of people we don't know. It's tempting to want to make our mark and try to establish our credibility or influence.

But this effort to capture the SPITR title can be counter-productive—and maybe even detrimental—to establishing influence with the group.

First, it's very likely that everyone has already figured out who the smartest person in the room is. And if they haven't, it won't take long for them to confirm it. Trying to prove it just makes you look desperate, or egotistical.

“This effort to capture the SPITR title can be counter-productive—and maybe even detrimental—to establishing influence with the group.”

Secondly, your efforts will likely backfire on you. If you're NOT the smartest person and try to act like you are, then everyone else will see what you're trying to do—and you don't want to get branded with that. If you ARE the smartest person in the room and try to act like you are, then you run the risk of looking like a prideful, controlling jerk.

Either way, you lose credibility and trust, which is a step backward in your efforts to achieve influence with those in the room. Remember: the goal is not to be perceived as the smartest, it's to maximize your collaboration with the team and leverage what you and everyone collectively bring to the table to in order to get the best possible outcomes.

“Remember: The goal is to maximize your collaboration with the team and leverage what you and everyone collectively bring to the table to in order to get the best possible outcomes.”

The Big Picture

IQ is certainly an asset, but leadership is much more than intelligence. Many times the smartest person's opinion isn't the best way forward. So stop trying to appear as if you're the smartest in the room—as if that gives you some sort of award—and just lead. Because in the end, leadership is less about your capabilities and more about the team’s capabilities.

Your Next Step

How can you accurately assess your attempts to leave an impression?

“In the end, leadership is less about your capabilities and more about the team’s capabilities.”

Looking For a Resource?

Why “Who Am I?” Is the Most Important Leadership Question Ever

Photo by Simone Secci on Unsplash

How do you respond to the question, "Who am I?"

I know what you might be thinking. Seriously? "Who am I" is THE most important question ever?!?

Let me assure you: If you want to be effective in life and leadership, you owe it to yourself to walk this question out. Identity—who you think you are, who you could be or should be—drives everything you do and how you do it.

Our usual response to "Who am I?" is to describe what we do. This includes the roles we play, our achievements or pastimes ... you know, the answers to the "so-tell-me-about-yourself" question. Of course, we know that what we do doesn't really describe who we are. But to go much deeper than that in casual conversation would be awkward and uber-transparent, so we stay conveniently surfacy.

Convenient, because most of us wouldn't know what to say, anyway.

“If you want to be effective in life and leadership, you owe it to yourself to walk this question out.”

A Follow-Up Question

Asking "Who am I?" unlocks another powerful question that we should consider: "Am I who I want to be?"

It's bigger because it introduces some important and inescapable elements. Let’s walk through them…

1) Purpose or calling. This second question exposes a conviction that there's a reason we're alive. We don't know how we know it, but we know we are more than just a consequence of our birth parents' co-involvement in sexual intercourse.

2) Quality or relative measurement. ”Am I who I want to be?” assumes (or maybe presumes?) that we can evaluate our identity according to some kind of standard. In other words, I get a sense that I may not be living up to expectations. And, as long as we're wading into the conversation, exactly who's expectations are we sensing? Our own? Someone else's? God's? The universe's?  

And even if we can't figure that out, the question of being who we want to be—which our gut tells us is inescapably relevant—presupposes that there's a confirmed way to know.

“...we know we are more than just a consequence of our birth parents’ co-involvement in sexual intercourse.”

3) Aspiration. The word "want" is perhaps the most prominent word in the question. It reveals a longing that we are sometimes aware of in the quiet, desperate, joyful or sentimental moments in life.

When we allow ourselves the freedom—or the courage—to dream and envision ourselves being aligned with 1) our purpose and calling, and 2) our unique design, we have an assurance that’s hard to justify or explain, a desire for fulfillment that goes much deeper than just a consumeristic craving. It motivates us to change, to abandon the stuff of life we now sense is temporal and trendy and to pursue the deeper values and truths that support this deep “want.”

“...we have an assurance that’s hard to justify or explain, a desire for fulfillment that goes much deeper than a consumeristic craving.”

So … Are You Who You Want To Be?

Though we may not feel comfortable answering “yes” to that question, we want to be able to answer with a yes. Considering the question reveals an ideal identity that each of us is destined for. It exposes a gap between who we are now and who we could be, and that gap reveals our life’s purpose, a calling intended specifically for us.

Ironically, even though we’re not there yet, knowing who we want to be brings clarity, confidence and faith. We’re on the path to becoming who we want to be. And simply knowing we’re on the right path allows us to respond with a “yes,” though technically it’s more of a “yes, and not yet.”

The longing to know who we are and the hope that we can actually be who we want to be is evidence to follow. Your unique identity is out there waiting to be discovered. It is the compass that directs our conscience and intuition. It is the foundation on which our values, principles, relationships and beliefs are built upon. All these act as guides for the behaviors, strategies, goals and commitments we make in life. We know what to do.

“Identity is the foundation on which our values, principles, relationships and beliefs are built upon.”

What To Do With All This?

At the risk of sounding impractical, the first thing to do is assess what you need to STOP doing. Our tendency is to experiment with the stuff of life (hobbies, relationships, cars, clothes, diet, entertainment, etc.) in the hopes we’ll catch lightning in a bottle and find something that unlocks the secret to our ideal identity. But more experimentation only clouds the issue.

Instead, STOP “doing” long enough to reflect. Of course, stopping breeds fear because doing something at least gives us a sense that we’re in control. But it’s a false sense of control; a virtual reality.

This is where courage comes in. Be brave enough to face the journey in front of you. Take time to reflect on the foundational things in your life, things you know to be true. The process will be different for each of us, but let me offer a few suggestions that might prove helpful.

• Explore things like truth, core beliefs, values, relationships, etc.

• Steer away from situational or fleeting things like money, approval, status, material things, etc.

• Consider things that will promote a communal perspective beyond your own personal interests, and de-emphasize things that will elevate your importance above others.

• If you’re a person of faith, this is where the core elements of your belief system will come into play.

• Think “legacy” … what will outlast your lifespan?

• Expect this to take some time. This is the psychological equivalent to wine-making: It will take some time to ferment and sweeten. Don’t be alarmed if it doesn’t all download in an instant. You may get some initial clarity, but chances are even that clarity will mature as you continue to reflect. Have courage.

Resources

For those with a Christian faith orientation, I’ve created a downloadable Identity Mapping Process that uses a biblical framework to convey the truth (as I understand it) that God has destined each of us to be a unique reflection of Jesus in our life-space. As such, Jesus is the ideal identity we are seeking after.

Of course, I also encourage you to pick up a copy of Are You Who You Want to Be: How Knowing Your Identity Lets You Live Your True Purpose. It’s available in print, e-book and audio version. You can also get The Field Guide to Are You Who You Want to Be, a step-by-step workbook to explore as a study guide either individually or with a group.

The scariest part is simply to begin. As one who has gone through this process and found freedom and confidence on the other side, I encourage you to muster up the courage to take the first step. You’ll be glad you did!

“The scariest part is simply to begin.”

Are You Who You Want to Be: You Can Know Your True Identity

Photo by Kyle Glenn on Unsplash

Question: Are you who you want to be?

And Your Point Is…?

In my experience, most people say they don’t—or can’t—know who they want to be.

So What?

We usually approach our identity by looking outside ourselves, using our environment and other people to define us. I call this living “Inside-Out.” Just like glaciers that shape mountains, events and others’ opinions shape how we see ourselves—often with dramatic results.

We also look backward, basing our identity on who we’ve always been. I call this a Backwards-Reference approach. It’s like trying to drive forward using the rear-view mirror—really hard, and extremely limiting.

“Just like glaciers that shape mountains, events and others’ opinions shape how we see ourselves—often with dramatic results.”

Looking outside and backward guarantees we’ll never discover who we most deeply want to be. Neither approach accounts for God being the only source of insight into our unique identity.

The Big Picture

After a personal 25-year identity quest, I can now confidently say: I am who I want to be. Though not yet perfect, I’m living out my identity with increasing peace, clarity and focus—purpose.

“A Backwards-Reference approach is like trying to drive forward using the rear-view mirror—really hard, and extremely limiting.”

I’d like to share my discoveries and the principles I’ve learned in an upcoming book, Are You Who You Want to Be: How Knowing Your Identity Lets You Live Your True Purpose. This book will help you …

• Stop experimenting at defining who you are,

• Disengage from the person you’ve always been,

• Stop being who you don’t want to be, and …

• See how faith informs the person you want to be.
  

“Though not yet perfect, I’m living out my identity with increasing peace, clarity and focus—purpose.”

Your Next Step

You can sign up to be a part of the Pre-Launch Team for Are You Who You Want to Be and get regular emails that unpack and help you apply the principles. PLUS, you’ll receive a pre-release copy of the manuscript if you’re one of the first 15 people to sign up.

All that I ask in return is that you talk it up. I’ll be providing shareable content that you can push out to your network. This will be crucial in raising awareness for when the book launches.

Finally, I ask you to consider this: As the only you that will ever exist in human history, if you don’t know your designed identity there’s no way to live it out. Meaning, you’ll be frustrated and the world will miss out on seeing a reflection of God that he purposed to be revealed in and through you.

Isn’t it worth, at the very least, exploring who you want to be?

“if you don’t know your designed identity … you’ll be frustrated and the world will miss out on seeing a reflection of God that he purposed to be revealed in and through you.”

Here’s a longer article on this topic at Medium.com.

We Are Not What We Do

I see/hear this quote often:

“The difference
between
who you are
and
who you want to be
is
what you do.”

Sounds motivating, doesn’t it?

But what if I told you that this quote could be 180 degrees opposite from the truth, and lead to frustration, a lack of fulfillment and desperation—if not outright disaster?

And Your Point Is…?

We don’t BECOME what we DO.

We DO what we’ve BECOME.

So What?

It all hinges on how you interpret “…what you do.”

If we fall into the trap of believing we need to DO certain things IN ORDER to become who we want to be, then our approach to our identity is Outside-In. Ultimately, we end up depending on things in our environment to define who we are (relationships, achievement, circumstances, etc.). Our identity becomes based on “performance.” At best, we’ll only be a better version of who we’ve always been. It’s a recipe for disaster.

“At best, we’ll only be a better version of who we’ve always been.”

An alternative interpretation is more helpful: We DO certain things BECAUSE we are who we want to be, then we purpose ourselves to live accordingly. This approach is Inside-Out. It starts with an identity of the person we want to be—even if we’re not perfectly fulfilling it yet. With our identity clearly defined, we then set goals, influence our circumstances and practice behaviors that align with who we want to be.

“…we then set goals, influence our circumstances and practice behaviors that align with who we want to be.”

This inside-out approach is the essence of my upcoming book, Are You who You Want to Be: How Knowing Your Identity Lets You Live Your True Purpose. It’s not abstract psychological theory, it’s a practical solution that reveals the truth about who you want to be, the surprising simplicity of discovering it, how faith informs that identity and the challenges of living out the identity you were made for.

The Big Picture

“Who am I?” is one of humanity’s most compelling questions. Depending on other people and your environment to define you is a hopeless way to discover who you want to be.

“We don’t BECOME what we DO. We DO what we’ve BECOME.”

Your Next Step

To get more insight on discovering that person you truly want to be, go to AreYouWhoYouWantToBe.com. You’ll find out more about the book and purchase it if you think it’s for you.

What Commuting Taught Me About Leadership – Stay Humble

Recently I left a job at a great company but with a long daily commute. This is the final entry of a 7-post series on things I learned about leadership on those long and tedious hours on the road.
– – – – –

I believe I’m a reasonably accomplished driver. It’d be easy to relax and not work at improving my driving skills, based on miles I’ve driven and the success I’ve demonstrated at dodging other drivers’ poor decisions.

Yet I must face the facts. There are still times I’ve started to change lanes unaware that someone was in my blind spot, or turned a corner roughly or braked sooner—or later—than I could have.

If I don’t face those facts, I’ll start thinking I don’t need to get better. Which leads to thinking I can’t get any better. Which tells me that I’m better than anyone else. Then I’m convinced that accidents only happen to other people. Which leads me to believe that accidents can’t happen to me. Then I stop using my skills. Then I get careless. Then I’m a bad driver—who still thinks he’s a good driver.

Scary.

“If I don’t face those facts, I’ll start thinking I don’t need to get better.”

And Your Point Is…?

The only way we can get better is to believe that we can get better.

So What?

I have a favorite leadership development mantra: You can’t get better by continuing to do what you’re already good at. It’s easy to over-leverage what has made us successful, whether that’s experience, personality, intelligence, tenacity … whatever.

“You can’t get better by continuing to do what you’re already good at.”

But to borrow Marshall Goldsmith’s perfectly titled book, What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, all those success-generating traits have a ceiling, a limit. Overusing them can make us think we’re a good leader, when we’re really just riding the wave of past success.

This creates blind spots, where we miss opportunities to lead more effectively. And it won’t prepare us for the leadership challenges to come.

“Overusing them can make us think we’re a good leader, when we’re really just riding the wave of past success.”

This requires a level of humility, and a dispassionate, objective view of ourselves. All with a sense of self-acceptance (i.e. my value isn’t based on my performance), coupled with a drive to improve (to fulfill our potential).

The Big Picture

It might seem odd to pair personal development with humility, but there’s a very strong correlation. People who aren’t humble aren’t hungry to learn and grow; there’s no incentive to get better. It takes humility to recognize you have untapped potential.

Your Next Step

Get someone who knows you and has your best interests in mind to reveal how you can improve. Do a 360-leadership assessment. Get a coach. But above all: Believe that you can get better.

Then never stop trying.

Want more leadership insights?

Check out: 

What Commuting Taught Me About Leadership – Losing Your Cool Can Be Deadly

Recently I left a job at a great company but with a long daily commute. This is the 6th post of an 8-blog series on things I learned about leadership on those long and tedious hours on the road.
– – – – –

The day before my final commute into the office, an unfortunate incident occurred on the Howard Franklin Bridge over Tampa Bay. The drivers of an SUV and a pickup had a disagreement, and the SUV began tailgating the pickup at high speed. The game was now on.

The pickup changed lanes several times with the SUV in close pursuit. The vehicles clipped, causing the SUV to roll several times, hit the concrete barrier and go into the water. Authorities found the driver’s body the next day, a tragic end to an everyday commute that, by all appearances, was caused by one or both drivers losing their temper.

It was a sobering reminder to avoid getting complacent on my final commute.

And Your Point Is…?

Life’s too short to lose your cool.

So What?

It’s normal to experience frustration when things don’t go as expected. Disagreements, differences of opinion and disappointments with other people cannot be avoided.

But losing our cool can be.

As leaders, it’s fine to be passionate about what we do. In fact, I would argue that some level of leadership passion is necessary to influence people to do the right thing and uphold values and priorities.

But we should steer away from operating by emotion and calling it passion. These are two very different things. Emotional leadership is reactionary and situational, and usually indicates a loss of self-control. It makes us unpredictable, and it destroys trust.

Passionate leadership, on the other hand, is values-based and ethos-driven, so it’s usually predictable. It’s a visible cue that we’re advocating for something important.

“…some level of leadership passion is necessary…”

I’m not suggesting that leaders should be uber-stoic and avoid any displays of emotion. After all, we are emotional beings; it’s only natural that we display appropriate levels of emotion (sadness, disappointment, joy, compassion, etc.).

The key is to not let emotions drive our leadership behavior, and instead let leadership drive our emotional behavior.

“Emotional leadership is reactionary and situational, and usually indicates a loss of self-control.”

The Big Picture

Emotional leadership means being driven by emotion. It makes leadership behaviors volatile and situational. Instead of influencing your environment, your environment is influencing you.

Emotion comes out of the blue and is unpredictable. Passion comes from the gut and doesn’t often change.

Your Next Step

Avoiding emotional leadership is self-leadership. We must be able to lead ourselves before we can expect to effectively lead others.

“Passion comes from the gut and doesn’t often change”

Want more leadership insights?

Check out: 

What Commuting Taught Me About Leadership – You See What You Look For

Recently I left a job at a great company but with a long daily commute. This is the 5th post of an 8-blog series on things I learned about leadership on those long and tedious hours on the road.
– – – – –

To avoid the bulk of the traffic (and the accompanying delays), I went into work early. Many times this meant driving in the dark, when you can’t see as well. Or see as much. Or as far.

Or even more weirdly, you tend to see only the things you expect to see.

I worked for a logistics company, so it was a fairly common experience to see golf carts driving around the campus. One dark morning after entering the facility, I was surprised by a cart that “suddenly” appeared in front of me. Even though I was undistracted and watching for traffic, and despite the fact that the cart had its headlights on and a flashing orange light on the top, I didn’t see it until it was very close to me.

Reflecting on it later, I realized I didn’t see it because I was looking for cars, not golf carts.

And Your Point Is…?

When you’re driving hard and your perspective gets limited, you tend to see only what you’re looking for.

“I didn’t see it because I was looking for cars, not golf carts”

So What?

As a cyclist I can attest to being on the other side of this phenomena. Sometimes people driving cars simply don’t see bicycles (or motorcycles or pedestrians) because they’re looking for what they expect to see: other cars.

This is a human tendency that influences us at almost every level. It shows up when we keep a pessimistic, glass-half-empty perspective. It happens when we overlook opportunities. It contributes to having a fixed mindset. It reveals itself when we judge prematurely or act on a bias. It shows up when we’re stuck in a limiting habit we don’t even know exists. It happens when we get into conflict with others. It happens when we drive hard for results or achievement.

In other words, it can happen anywhere, anytime.

But it doesn’t have to.

“It can happen anywhere, anytime. But it doesn’t have to”

The Big Picture

It’s human nature: We choose to see what we see. So it’s a discipline to begin looking objectively, rather than selectively. It requires staying in a constant state of curiosity to look beyond what we expect. It’s the curious ones who are usually in a better position to solve problems, innovate, collaborate, excel and influence.

If you’re leading others, it’s all the more vital that you see the obvious things other people can’t—or won’t.

Your Next Step

What is one thing you can do maintain a base level of curiosity?

“If you’re leading others, it’s all the more vital that you see the obvious things other people can’t—or won’t.”

Want more leadership insights?

Check out: 

What Commuting Taught Me About Leadership – You Hit What You Aim For

recently left a position with a great company, but with a long daily commute. This is the fourth post of an 8-week series on things about leadership that I learned on those long and tedious hours on the road.
– – – – –

It’s easy to get bored driving the same road every day. To break the monotony I started attempting to avoid the reflectors when I changed lanes (when there were no other cars around, of course!).

After months of trying I had some occasional successes. But truth be told, I sucked at it—which troubled me because I knew I was a better driver than that.

Then one day I had an epiphany: Instead of aiming to miss the reflectors, I needed to aim for the stripe between them. The difference was instant and amazing.

As soon as I adjusted my aim point, I had almost immediate success. I could predict where my wheels were going. I could anticipate when to initiate the lane change and intentionally drive where I wanted to go. Ultimately, getting really clear on my target allowed me to get better.

And Your Point Is…?

You hit what you aim for.

“Getting really clear on my target allowed me to get better.”

So What?

First (and most obvious), not aiming is the same as aiming at nothing—you’re going to hit something, you just don’t know what it will be. When I first started my game I tried to “feel” my way into the next lane and hope for the best. Didn’t work.

Second, if your aim is off target, that’s what you’ll hit: everything except the target. This was my aha experience with the reflectors: In attempting to miss them, I was actually still aiming for them. The reflectors is what I was concentrating on. In focusing on the challenge, I was blind to seeing the solution.

“Not aiming is the same as aiming at nothing—you’re going to hit something, you just don’t know what it will be.”

The Big Picture

Consider how your aim comes into play when you compare A) aiming for success (the stripe), to B) aiming for avoiding failure (missing the reflectors). Aiming to NOT fail is NOT aiming for success.

“In focusing on the challenge, I was blind to seeing the solution.”

Some simple real world examples might be “I’ll be less critical in my feedback” or “I’ll be more aggressive in producing outcomes.” Typically, any goal stated in such squishy terms is likely not to be met. Not only is the outcome not measurable, the path to achievement is obscure. This is a common concept in managing performance (a la setting SMART goals), but for some reason many people have difficulty applying the concept in managing development—especially their own.

Your Next Step

What’s an area you’d like to improve in that you’ve set goals around not failing? How can you reset them so they’re focused on the target?

“Aiming to NOT fail is NOT aiming for success.”

Want more leadership insights?

Check out: 

What Commuting Taught Me About Leadership – Watch Out For People Advancing Their Own Position

I recently left a position with a great company, but with a long daily commute. This is the third of an 8-week blog series on things about leadership that I learned on those long and tedious hours on the road.
– – – – –

At one point in my commuting history I was averaging close to one major evasive maneuver per week. “Major” meaning that had I not taken significant action I would have been calling my insurance company—if not the ambulance.

Usually it was someone changing lanes (see my last post: Stay Visible). Often it was somebody “shooting the gap” to cross two lanes of traffic (rarely a good idea). More than once I’ve had pickups or service trucks pull alongside me then without signaling move into the “space” between me and the car in front of me—even though they hadn’t yet cleared my front bumper.

Almost always it was someone trying to get ahead of everyone else. Even though traffic was heavy, they felt compelled to zig-and-zag, forcing themselves ahead, expending a lot of effort to get in front of others.

And Your Point Is…?

I get competitiveness and wanting to win, but is getting ahead of the people you’re driving with really worth the potential damage?

“They felt compelled to zig-and-zag, forcing themselves ahead, expending a lot of effort to get in front of others.”

So What?

The marketplace is competitive (duh). Aggressiveness is often (usually?) seen as a strength; it gets you noticed. In particular, I think of business development roles where being a competitor is a desirable trait. But for most other roles, you should reconsider using competitiveness as your primary MO, because it comes with lots of potential—and usually hidden—damage.

You can damage relationships. When you push people aside to get ahead of them, you make it incredibly hard for them to trust you again. You’ll have to put in much more effort to overcome the perception that you’re really only interested in yourself.

“When you push people aside to get ahead of them, you make it incredibly hard for them to trust you again.”

You can damage your opportunity to influence. You’re not building into people; it doesn’t build a mutual purpose, accountability, motivation or camaraderie.

Your competitive approach may bring short term results, but it will eventually boomerang. You’re feeding a cutthroat culture where people become expendable and teamwork is transactional, not relational. And when you most need people to respond to your call to action, they simply won’t.

“When you most need people to respond to your call to action, they simply won’t.”

The Big Picture

When it comes to your leadership behaviors, what goes around comes around. If you honor people and their effort they will respond in kind. If you push them aside in pursuit of your own interests you’ll find yourself very alone.

Your Next Step

How can you be hungry for results but in a way that makes others better (instead of pushes them aside)?

Want more leadership insights?

Check out: 

What Commuting Taught Me About Leadership – Stay Visible

I recently left a position with a great company, but with a long daily commute. This is the second of an 8-week blog series on things about leadership that I learned on those long and tedious hours on the road.
– – – – –

Aside from following too close, improper lane changes were the most frequent cause of incidents I saw on the interstate. Near misses due to other cars changing lanes was a frequent event. Sometimes it was innocent; they weren’t trying to not see me. Other times it seemed they didn’t even make an effort to check for another car.

Ultimately, their intention was irrelevant: I wanted to be proactive to let them know I was there.

The reality is that every driver—including me—has blind spots (I’ll touch on this more in a future post). Because of this, I found it a best practice to avoid driving next to another car in their rear quarter for more than 5-10 seconds. If I felt I was in a potential blind spot, I would speed up or slow down so the other driver could see me out of the corner of their eyes. I didn’t want to make myself vulnerable by not being visible.

And Your Point Is…?

If people don’t see you, they drive like you’re not there.

So What?

Not to overstate the obvious, but one of the primary ways you become visible is through good performance. Keep your commitments. Do your job well and make yourself into an asset for the team.

“I didn’t want to make myself vulnerable by not being visible.”

Beyond that, you should be aware of your best contribution—one that matches your wiring, giftedness and God-given talent (hopefully that you’ve been honing and crafting). Sometimes that means speaking first or loudest; other times it means speaking last or most profoundly. Sometimes creativity, accuracy, or comprehensiveness are most helpful. Other times it’s boldness, confidence or even compassion.

There are catalysts, analysts, implementors and supporters. Showing up most effectively to meet the greatest need of the moment will help you be more visible.

A word of caution: You can over-do this. Sometimes pushing or trying too hard to make yourself visible will work against you. The art comes in knowing how much presence to push; how big to show up.

“Showing up most effectively to meet the greatest need of the moment will help you be more visible.”

The Big Picture

Leadership is ultimately about influence. There are so many ways to influence others’ thoughts, perspectives, behaviors, approaches, processes and values. But you can’t influence if people don’t know you’re there, so be clear on what approach works best for you.

Your Next Step

How can you know your best, most natural contribution to your team? Who do you know/trust who will help you discover it?

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What Commuting Taught Me About Leadership – Following Is a Part of Driving

I recently left a position with a great company, but with a long daily commute. This is the first post of an 8-week series on things about leadership that I learned on those long and tedious hours on the road.
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Some people navigate traffic skillfully, consistently. They know when to brake, and do so evenly. They’re always in the best lane and flow well in traffic. They give all the proper signals. They seem to have good automotive “body language”: Cool, calm, collected, thinking, aware. They seem to make good driving decisions.

These drivers put me at ease. They make it easy to follow; I can trust them.

Others, by contrast, are erratic. They force themselves into spaces they shouldn’t. They constantly shift from one lane to another—without signaling—or speed-up-slow-down and force the cars behind them to constantly adjust their own speed (very dangerous in heavy traffic). They panic brake or divert onto the shoulder to avoid hitting the braking car in front of them. They have zero situational awareness, seemingly only interested in themselves.

These drivers always make me nervous. I tend to pull back and keep my distance. Frankly, I can’t trust them because I have no idea what they’re going to do.

“Frankly, I can’t trust them because I have no idea what they’re going to do.”

And Your Point Is…?

In traffic or in leadership, following someone is an inevitable reality.

So What?

First, be aware of who you’re following. Whether it’s your manager or someone else, how they drive (their work) should give you an indication of whether you A) want to leave a bit of distance between the two of you, or B) can be confident enough to follow them more closely.

There’s an old adage that I’ve found to be generally true: Teams usually reflect the qualities of their leader, for better or worse. Very likely, some of your leader’s driving habits are already affecting your own. You may want to be more deliberate about making some level of adjustment in the way you follow.

“Very likely, some of your leader’s driving habits are already affecting your own.”

Second, be aware that others are following you—or better said, they are choosing whether to follow you or not. Are you driving (your work) in a way that makes others trust you: Consistent, calm, cool and collected? Or are you erratic, shifting lanes, not signaling and operating without situational awareness?

The Big Picture

Almost all of us are both leading (even if we’re only leading ourselves) and following. Having more awareness to how and why we’re doing both will reveal ways to improve our leadership.

Your Next Step

Look in your rear-view mirror and ask yourself: Are those following me keeping a safe distance from my leadership, and if so, why?

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