Building Your Leadership Identity From the Inside-Out

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One Fall, when our kids were young, we got some caramel apples at a school fundraiser. Sometime later, my son Brennan (who was about eight at the time) was foraging for snacks and found the last one in the back of a kitchen cabinet (of all places). Of course, when kids find caramel apples in a cabinet they aren’t concerned that perhaps they should have been in the refrigerator. They also don’t bring up the good news with Mom because they’d have to share it with their siblings.

The caramel coating on Brennan’s discovery was in fine condition. Sadly, the apple was not, and it actually fell off the stick when he picked it up—a warning sign that somehow escaped his attention. Undeterred, he chomped into it and immediately realized his treat had turned into a trick.

The Portal, and the Chase

This event turned on a light bulb for me. I suddenly realized that I’d spent my life trying to define myself by my “caramel coating”: who I was on the outside—DO, in order to BE. I saw a life-long pattern of depending on my environment and my achievements to confirm who I was. So …

• When I succeeded, I was a success.

• When I had a good job, I was reputable.

• When I had friends, I was a good guy.

• When my life was in order, I was purposeful.

• When people responded to me, I was influential.

And when negative outcomes happened, it all shifted. I wasn’t sure who I was anymore; I felt frustrated, unfulfilled, anxious and insecure.

Can you relate?

“I’d spent my life trying to define myself by who I was on the outside—DO, in order to BE.”

I saw how I’d been chasing after an identity that I’d never be able to catch, because it didn’t exist out there. I realized that identity is who we are on the inside—before and beyond what’s happening in the moment on the outside. I needed to start on the inside.

Inside-Out vs. Outside-In

After a season of reflection and increased self-awareness, here’s what I came to: Instead of an Outside-In approach (letting my circumstances and performance confirm my identity), I started leaning on an Inside-Out approach that based on several key factors:

• Confirming a unique, ideal identity that I aspired to be—independent from my circumstance and what was happening in my environment.

• Allowing this identity to begin shaping a purpose beyond my own self-interests.

• Start creating goals and plans that aligned with my identity and purpose.

• Consider the various roles I was playing to determine my best fit, level of involvement and collaboration approach with others.

The first step was the most difficult, because I had no idea who the ideal “me” should be. It will be different for each person, but for me faith played a significant role. As a follower of Jesus, I leaned heavily on the biblical teaching that God intends for each person who puts their faith in him to become like Jesus. So Jesus’ character, teaching and habits became a clear pattern for me to follow.

“I had no idea who the ideal ‘me’ should be.”

If faith isn’t a part of your life, you can use other things like the timeless truths, character qualities and values that are foundational for you. In doing so, I encourage you to avoid causes and issues (like, say, climate change or gender equality), and instead look for the core values that make the causes or issues compelling for you.

Here’s how I illustrated the difference between Outside-In and Inside-Out:

Detoxing

The concept of living Inside-Out is simple. The execution is challenging, mainly because we’ve got a lifetime of bad habits that keep us firmly planted in the Outside-In approach.

In that sense, abandoning Outside-In in favor of Inside-Out may feel more like a detox process than an action step at the beginning. But it’s important to get the bad stuff out of the way before we can truly make progress.

“Abandoning Outside-In in favor of Inside-Out may feel more like a detox process than an action step.”

Here are a few important detox steps:

1. Embrace the Truth That You Are Unique, Valued and You Have a Unique Purpose In Life.  I covered this in my last blog post, so I’ll keep this one brief. The important thing to remember is that in operating Outside-In, we inevitably compare ourselves to others—which ultimately compromises our ability to operate from our own identity. We can respect others and even follow their examples, but we will be best at being who we are. Accept that being you is a good thing, and is the best thing for you.

2. Reject the Lie (And the Habits That Go With It) That “We Are What We Do.”  It sounds like an empowering and motivating mantra, but it is, deceptively and dangerously, wrong. It’s a trap, and is a house-of-cards idea that doesn’t stand up to the slightest breeze of common sense. Think about it:

• Why would we base our identity on fleeting things like circumstantial outcomes, events beyond our control or the actions of imperfect people?

• If I’m using you to help define my identity, it makes it hard to authentically relate to you. Unchecked, this can drift into co-dependency as my motives become selfish. How can I genuinely serve you if I simultaneously need something from you?

• Why would we want to define ourselves by what other people think of us—especially those who wouldn’t be our advocate?

• Does it make sense to identify ourselves based on how we “perform?” What does that say about us when we fail? What about those who can’t “perform” … do they have no value? What would our world look like if we operated that way?

• Why would we want to live “experimentally” in order to “find ourselves?” Who wants to dedicate their life to that?

• What part of being one person on the outside and another person on the inside sounds even remotely wholesome? It sounds like what it is: Chaos.

“What would our world look like if we operated that way?”

3. Believe That Your Identity Isn’t Yet Fully Written.  In other words, I can be who I want to be while I’m becoming who I want to be. It’s not hypocritical double-talk, it’s simply recognizing that I’m on the journey to be who I’m striving to be. I’m working on becoming the best version of me I possibly can.

The Intervention

The detox steps are important, but they aren’t enough to fully disrupt the default Outside-in process. These 3 interventions will help you turn away from Outside-In and embrace Inside-Out.

1. Change.  You must identify what parts of your old identity need to change. You’ll need self-awareness, clarity and a healthy dose of courage … and maybe a trusted friend.

2. Trust.  Stepping into an identity you’ve never embraced before is a step of faith. It requires a belief in the process, and in the ideal identity you’re committing to become. You aren’t there yet, but you’re on the way. We’re always becoming who we want to be. Don’t get stuck over the fact that you’re not there yet.

3. Practice.  Geoff Colvin’s idea of Deliberate Practice (in his book Talent Is Overrated) gets to the picture here. Being who you want to be won’t just happen. You have to continue to lean into uncomfortable and challenging areas of your life and practice your new identity.

The Change-Trust-Practice intervention steps become regular (often daily) rhythmic action steps that keep you on the path to who you want to be. Without them, you will drift back to the old habits of depending on other people, events and circumstances to tell you who you are.

With them, you will be able to continue the adventure of seeing yourself change into the person you want to be—challenging though it may be. And as you continually refine your understanding of who you are, your purpose becomes imminently more clear.

“Stepping into an identity you’ve never embraced before is a step of faith.”

Take a Deeper Dive Into
Living Your Identity
From the Inside-Out

What Commuting Taught Me About Leadership – You Hit What You Aim For

recently left a position with a great company, but with a long daily commute. This is the fourth post of an 8-week series on things about leadership that I learned on those long and tedious hours on the road.
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It’s easy to get bored driving the same road every day. To break the monotony I started attempting to avoid the reflectors when I changed lanes (when there were no other cars around, of course!).

After months of trying I had some occasional successes. But truth be told, I sucked at it—which troubled me because I knew I was a better driver than that.

Then one day I had an epiphany: Instead of aiming to miss the reflectors, I needed to aim for the stripe between them. The difference was instant and amazing.

As soon as I adjusted my aim point, I had almost immediate success. I could predict where my wheels were going. I could anticipate when to initiate the lane change and intentionally drive where I wanted to go. Ultimately, getting really clear on my target allowed me to get better.

And Your Point Is…?

You hit what you aim for.

“Getting really clear on my target allowed me to get better.”

So What?

First (and most obvious), not aiming is the same as aiming at nothing—you’re going to hit something, you just don’t know what it will be. When I first started my game I tried to “feel” my way into the next lane and hope for the best. Didn’t work.

Second, if your aim is off target, that’s what you’ll hit: everything except the target. This was my aha experience with the reflectors: In attempting to miss them, I was actually still aiming for them. The reflectors is what I was concentrating on. In focusing on the challenge, I was blind to seeing the solution.

“Not aiming is the same as aiming at nothing—you’re going to hit something, you just don’t know what it will be.”

The Big Picture

Consider how your aim comes into play when you compare A) aiming for success (the stripe), to B) aiming for avoiding failure (missing the reflectors). Aiming to NOT fail is NOT aiming for success.

“In focusing on the challenge, I was blind to seeing the solution.”

Some simple real world examples might be “I’ll be less critical in my feedback” or “I’ll be more aggressive in producing outcomes.” Typically, any goal stated in such squishy terms is likely not to be met. Not only is the outcome not measurable, the path to achievement is obscure. This is a common concept in managing performance (a la setting SMART goals), but for some reason many people have difficulty applying the concept in managing development—especially their own.

Your Next Step

What’s an area you’d like to improve in that you’ve set goals around not failing? How can you reset them so they’re focused on the target?

“Aiming to NOT fail is NOT aiming for success.”

Want more leadership insights?

Check out: 

What Commuting Taught Me About Leadership – Watch Out For People Advancing Their Own Position

I recently left a position with a great company, but with a long daily commute. This is the third of an 8-week blog series on things about leadership that I learned on those long and tedious hours on the road.
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At one point in my commuting history I was averaging close to one major evasive maneuver per week. “Major” meaning that had I not taken significant action I would have been calling my insurance company—if not the ambulance.

Usually it was someone changing lanes (see my last post: Stay Visible). Often it was somebody “shooting the gap” to cross two lanes of traffic (rarely a good idea). More than once I’ve had pickups or service trucks pull alongside me then without signaling move into the “space” between me and the car in front of me—even though they hadn’t yet cleared my front bumper.

Almost always it was someone trying to get ahead of everyone else. Even though traffic was heavy, they felt compelled to zig-and-zag, forcing themselves ahead, expending a lot of effort to get in front of others.

And Your Point Is…?

I get competitiveness and wanting to win, but is getting ahead of the people you’re driving with really worth the potential damage?

“They felt compelled to zig-and-zag, forcing themselves ahead, expending a lot of effort to get in front of others.”

So What?

The marketplace is competitive (duh). Aggressiveness is often (usually?) seen as a strength; it gets you noticed. In particular, I think of business development roles where being a competitor is a desirable trait. But for most other roles, you should reconsider using competitiveness as your primary MO, because it comes with lots of potential—and usually hidden—damage.

You can damage relationships. When you push people aside to get ahead of them, you make it incredibly hard for them to trust you again. You’ll have to put in much more effort to overcome the perception that you’re really only interested in yourself.

“When you push people aside to get ahead of them, you make it incredibly hard for them to trust you again.”

You can damage your opportunity to influence. You’re not building into people; it doesn’t build a mutual purpose, accountability, motivation or camaraderie.

Your competitive approach may bring short term results, but it will eventually boomerang. You’re feeding a cutthroat culture where people become expendable and teamwork is transactional, not relational. And when you most need people to respond to your call to action, they simply won’t.

“When you most need people to respond to your call to action, they simply won’t.”

The Big Picture

When it comes to your leadership behaviors, what goes around comes around. If you honor people and their effort they will respond in kind. If you push them aside in pursuit of your own interests you’ll find yourself very alone.

Your Next Step

How can you be hungry for results but in a way that makes others better (instead of pushes them aside)?

Want more leadership insights?

Check out: