Building Your Leadership Identity From the Inside-Out
My son’s experience with a caramel apple opened my mind to a life-long pattern of defining myself by who I was on the outside—DO, in order to BE. It created the opportunity for me to come to the end of myself.
Image by mifaso
One Fall, when our kids were young, we got some caramel apples at a school fundraiser. Sometime later, my son Brennan (who was about eight at the time) was foraging for snacks and found the last one in the back of a kitchen cabinet (of all places). Of course, when kids find caramel apples in a cabinet they aren’t concerned that perhaps they should have been in the refrigerator. They also don’t bring up the good news with Mom because they’d have to share it with their siblings.
The caramel coating on Brennan’s discovery was in fine condition. Sadly, the apple was not, and it actually fell off the stick when he picked it up—a warning sign that somehow escaped his attention. Undeterred, he chomped into it and immediately realized his treat had turned into a trick.
The Portal, and the Chase
This event turned on a light bulb for me. I suddenly realized that I’d spent my life trying to define myself by my “caramel coating”: who I was on the outside—DO, in order to BE. I saw a life-long pattern of depending on my environment and my achievements to confirm who I was. So …
When I succeeded, I was a success.
When I had a good job, I was reputable.
When I had friends, I was a good guy.
When my life was in order, I was purposeful.
When people responded to me, I was influential.
And when negative outcomes happened, it all shifted. I wasn’t sure who I was anymore; I felt frustrated, unfulfilled, anxious and insecure.
Can you relate?
“I’d spent my life trying to define myself by who I was on the outside—DO, in order to BE.”
I saw how I’d been chasing after an identity that I’d never be able to catch, because it didn’t exist out there. I realized that identity is who we are on the inside—before and beyond what’s happening in the moment on the outside. I needed to start on the inside.
Inside-Out vs. Outside-In
After a season of reflection and increased self-awareness, here’s what I came to: Instead of an Outside-In approach (letting my circumstances and performance confirm my identity), I started leaning on an Inside-Out approach that based on several key factors:
Confirming a unique, ideal identity that I aspired to be—independent from my circumstance and what was happening in my environment.
Allowing this identity to begin shaping a purpose beyond my own self-interests.
Start creating goals and plans that aligned with my identity and purpose.
Consider the various roles I was playing to determine my best fit, level of involvement and collaboration approach with others.
The first step was the most difficult, because I had no idea who the ideal “me” should be. It will be different for each person, but for me faith played a significant role. As a follower of Jesus, I leaned heavily on the biblical teaching that God intends for each person who puts their faith in him to become like Jesus. So Jesus’ character, teaching and habits became a clear pattern for me to follow.
“I had no idea who the ideal ‘me’ should be.”
If faith isn’t a part of your life, you can use other things like the timeless truths, character qualities and values that are foundational for you. In doing so, I encourage you to avoid causes and issues (like, say, climate change or gender equality), and instead look for the core values that make the causes or issues compelling for you.
Here’s how I illustrated the difference between Outside-In and Inside-Out:
Detoxing
The concept of living Inside-Out is simple. The execution is challenging, mainly because we’ve got a lifetime of bad habits that keep us firmly planted in the Outside-In approach.
In that sense, abandoning Outside-In in favor of Inside-Out may feel more like a detox process than an action step at the beginning. But it’s important to get the bad stuff out of the way before we can truly make progress.
“Abandoning Outside-In in favor of Inside-Out may feel more like a detox process than an action step.”
Here are a few important detox steps:
1. Embrace the Truth That You Are Unique, Valued and You Have a Unique Purpose In Life. I covered this in my last blog post, so I’ll keep this one brief. The important thing to remember is that in operating Outside-In, we inevitably compare ourselves to others—which ultimately compromises our ability to operate from our own identity. We can respect others and even follow their examples, but we will be best at being who we are. Accept that being you is a good thing, and is the best thing for you.
2. Reject the Lie (And the Habits That Go With It) That “We Are What We Do.” It sounds like an empowering and motivating mantra, but it is, deceptively and dangerously, wrong. It’s a trap, and is a house-of-cards idea that doesn’t stand up to the slightest breeze of common sense. Think about it:
Why would we base our identity on fleeting things like circumstantial outcomes, events beyond our control or the actions of imperfect people?
If I’m using you to help define my identity, it makes it hard to authentically relate to you. Unchecked, this can drift into co-dependency as my motives become selfish. How can I genuinely serve you if I simultaneously need something from you?
Why would we want to define ourselves by what other people think of us—especially those who wouldn’t be our advocate?
Does it make sense to identify ourselves based on how we “perform?” What does that say about us when we fail? What about those who can’t “perform” … do they have no value? What would our world look like if we operated that way?
Why would we want to live “experimentally” in order to “find ourselves?” Who wants to dedicate their life to that?
What part of being one person on the outside and another person on the inside sounds even remotely wholesome? It sounds like what it is: Chaos.
“What would our world look like if we operated that way?”
3. Believe That Your Identity Isn’t Yet Fully Written. In other words, I can be who I want to be while I’m becoming who I want to be. It’s not hypocritical double-talk, it’s simply recognizing that I’m on the journey to be who I’m striving to be. I’m working on becoming the best version of me I possibly can.
The Intervention
The detox steps are important, but they aren’t enough to fully disrupt the default Outside-in process. These 3 interventions will help you turn away from Outside-In and embrace Inside-Out.
Change. You must identify what parts of your old identity need to change. You’ll need self-awareness, clarity and a healthy dose of courage … and maybe a trusted friend.
Trust. Stepping into an identity you’ve never embraced before is a step of faith. It requires a belief in the process, and in the ideal identity you’re committing to become. You aren’t there yet, but you’re on the way. We’re always becoming who we want to be. Don’t get stuck over the fact that you’re not there yet.
Practice. Geoff Colvin’s idea of Deliberate Practice (in his book Talent Is Overrated) gets to the picture here. Being who you want to be won’t just happen. You have to continue to lean into uncomfortable and challenging areas of your life and practice your new identity.
The Change-Trust-Practice intervention steps become regular (often daily) rhythmic action steps that keep you on the path to who you want to be. Without them, you will drift back to the old habits of depending on other people, events and circumstances to tell you who you are.
With them, you will be able to continue the adventure of seeing yourself change into the person you want to be—challenging though it may be. And as you continually refine your understanding of who you are, your purpose becomes imminently more clear.
“Stepping into an identity you’ve never embraced before is a step of faith.”
