Damian Gerke 10/17/23 Damian Gerke 10/17/23

Building Your Leadership Identity From the Inside-Out

My son’s experience with a caramel apple opened my mind to a life-long pattern of defining myself by who I was on the outside—DO, in order to BE. It created the opportunity for me to come to the end of myself.

Life works best when you live your identity inside-out — Image by mifaso

One Fall, when our kids were young, we got some caramel apples at a school fundraiser. Sometime later, my son Brennan (who was about eight at the time) was foraging for snacks and found the last one in the back of a kitchen cabinet (of all places). Of course, when kids find caramel apples in a cabinet they aren’t concerned that perhaps they should have been in the refrigerator. They also don’t bring up the good news with Mom because they’d have to share it with their siblings.

The caramel coating on Brennan’s discovery was in fine condition. Sadly, the apple was not, and it actually fell off the stick when he picked it up—a warning sign that somehow escaped his attention. Undeterred, he chomped into it and immediately realized his treat had turned into a trick.

The Portal, and the Chase

This event turned on a light bulb for me. I suddenly realized that I’d spent my life trying to define myself by my “caramel coating”: who I was on the outside—DO, in order to BE. I saw a life-long pattern of depending on my environment and my achievements to confirm who I was. So …

When I succeeded, I was a success.
When I had a good job, I was reputable.
When I had friends, I was a good guy.
When my life was in order, I was purposeful.
When people responded to me, I was influential.

And when negative outcomes happened, it all shifted. I wasn’t sure who I was anymore; I felt frustrated, unfulfilled, anxious and insecure.

Can you relate?

“I’d spent my life trying to define myself by who I was on the outside—DO, in order to BE.”

I saw how I’d been chasing after an identity that I’d never be able to catch, because it didn’t exist out there. I realized that identity is who we are on the inside—before and beyond what’s happening in the moment on the outside. I needed to start on the inside.

Inside-Out vs. Outside-In

After a season of reflection and increased self-awareness, here’s what I came to: Instead of an Outside-In approach (letting my circumstances and performance confirm my identity), I started leaning on an Inside-Out approach that based on several key factors:

Confirming a unique, ideal identity that I aspired to be—independent from my circumstance and what was happening in my environment.
Allowing this identity to begin shaping a purpose beyond my own self-interests.
Start creating goals and plans that aligned with my identity and purpose.
Consider the various roles I was playing to determine my best fit, level of involvement and collaboration approach with others.

The first step was the most difficult, because I had no idea who the ideal “me” should be. It will be different for each person, but for me faith played a significant role. As a follower of Jesus, I leaned heavily on the biblical teaching that God intends for each person who puts their faith in him to become like Jesus. So Jesus’ character, teaching and habits became a clear pattern for me to follow.

“I had no idea who the ideal ‘me’ should be.”

If faith isn’t a part of your life, you can use other things like the timeless truths, character qualities and values that are foundational for you. In doing so, I encourage you to avoid causes and issues (like, say, climate change or gender equality), and instead look for the core values that make the causes or issues compelling for you.

Here’s how I illustrated the difference between Outside-In and Inside-Out:

An illustration of how to change from Outside-In to Inside-Out

Detoxing

The concept of living Inside-Out is simple. The execution is challenging, mainly because we’ve got a lifetime of bad habits that keep us firmly planted in the Outside-In approach.

In that sense, abandoning Outside-In in favor of Inside-Out may feel more like a detox process than an action step at the beginning. But it’s important to get the bad stuff out of the way before we can truly make progress.

“Abandoning Outside-In in favor of Inside-Out may feel more like a detox process than an action step.”

Here are a few important detox steps:

1. Embrace the Truth That You Are Unique, Valued and You Have a Unique Purpose In Life. I covered this in my last blog post, so I’ll keep this one brief. The important thing to remember is that in operating Outside-In, we inevitably compare ourselves to others—which ultimately compromises our ability to operate from our own identity. We can respect others and even follow their examples, but we will be best at being who we are. Accept that being you is a good thing, and is the best thing for you.

2. Reject the Lie (And the Habits That Go With It) That “We Are What We Do.” It sounds like an empowering and motivating mantra, but it is, deceptively and dangerously, wrong. It’s a trap, and is a house-of-cards idea that doesn’t stand up to the slightest breeze of common sense. Think about it:

Why would we base our identity on fleeting things like circumstantial outcomes, events beyond our control or the actions of imperfect people?
If I’m using you to help define my identity, it makes it hard to authentically relate to you. Unchecked, this can drift into co-dependency as my motives become selfish. How can I genuinely serve you if I simultaneously need something from you?
Why would we want to define ourselves by what other people think of us—especially those who wouldn’t be our advocate?
Does it make sense to identify ourselves based on how we “perform?” What does that say about us when we fail? What about those who can’t “perform” … do they have no value? What would our world look like if we operated that way?
Why would we want to live “experimentally” in order to “find ourselves?” Who wants to dedicate their life to that?
What part of being one person on the outside and another person on the inside sounds even remotely wholesome? It sounds like what it is: Chaos.

“What would our world look like if we operated that way?”

3. Believe That Your Identity Isn’t Yet Fully Written. In other words, I can be who I want to be while I’m becoming who I want to be. It’s not hypocritical double-talk, it’s simply recognizing that I’m on the journey to be who I’m striving to be. I’m working on becoming the best version of me I possibly can.

The Intervention

The detox steps are important, but they aren’t enough to fully disrupt the default Outside-in process. These 3 interventions will help you turn away from Outside-In and embrace Inside-Out.

Change. You must identify what parts of your old identity need to change. You’ll need self-awareness, clarity and a healthy dose of courage … and maybe a trusted friend.
Trust. Stepping into an identity you’ve never embraced before is a step of faith. It requires a belief in the process, and in the ideal identity you’re committing to become. You aren’t there yet, but you’re on the way. We’re always becoming who we want to be. Don’t get stuck over the fact that you’re not there yet.
Practice. Geoff Colvin’s idea of Deliberate Practice (in his book Talent Is Overrated) gets to the picture here. Being who you want to be won’t just happen. You have to continue to lean into uncomfortable and challenging areas of your life and practice your new identity.

The Change-Trust-Practice intervention steps become regular (often daily) rhythmic action steps that keep you on the path to who you want to be. Without them, you will drift back to the old habits of depending on other people, events and circumstances to tell you who you are.

With them, you will be able to continue the adventure of seeing yourself change into the person you want to be—challenging though it may be. And as you continually refine your understanding of who you are, your purpose becomes imminently more clear.

“Stepping into an identity you’ve never embraced before is a step of faith.”

Take a Deeper Dive Into
Living Your Identity
From the Inside-Out

Cover image of Are You Who You Want to Be

Damian Gerke 1/18/21 Damian Gerke 1/18/21

Living in a House Divided

The January 6, 2021 riot at the Capital Building is unmistakable proof of a problem—one that few of us may be willing to acknowledge.

We can't stand together if there's no common ground

Note: This post called for more than my usual 400 words. Hopefully, you’ll agree it’s deserving.

– – – – –

The riot at the Capital Building on January 6, 2021 is unmistakable proof of a problem that’s been brewing for a while. It’s a problem few of us are willing to acknowledge–and the consequences of our unwillingness are dire.

Many will place the blame on Donald Trump. Doing so would be expected—and perhaps justified in some regard—but it will do little to bring about a lasting solution. That’s because the events of January 6th are just the symptoms, not the core issue.

“The events of January 6th are just the symptoms, not the core issue.”

Any consultant worth their salt will tell you that specific individuals are rarely the root cause of a problem. Though individuals certainly play a part, they are merely evidence of a deeper—and usually systemic—set of processes and assumptions that are in play.

And Your Point Is…?

The core issue is not Donald Trump and/or his supporters or detractors. The core issue is that we have embraced division as a way of life.

We live in a house divided.

“Specific individuals are rarely the root cause of a problem.”

So What?

As a nation and society, we have embraced an attitude of division as a way of life. Though this goes way beyond the political arena, politics perfectly reflect the issue.

In observing news, social media, talk radio and conversations at the water cooler and across the kitchen table, we talk and act like our society falls into two polarized camps. These camps have opposite views on almost every issue with virtually nothing in common. Graphically it might look like this:

The outcomes of this approach are predictably self-evident. Nothing gets done. Priority, long-term issues become politically radioactive and get kicked down the road in favor of securing short-term gains. Policies, positions and programs swing wildly from one election cycle to the next.

Both sides view each other as radicals and extremists. They advance their position by destroying the credibility of the other side. Everyone’s broadcasting but no one’s listening; dialog and diplomacy get squeezed out by diatribe.

The modern presidential election strategy is to do enough to maintain your base (keeping those states in your corner), and target the undecided moderate voters in the key swing states—which can boil down to a relatively small number. This turned the tide in Biden’s favor in 2020. Likewise, in 2016, Trump won by getting 77,759 more votes than Hillary Clinton in three key counties across the three swing states of Michigan, Wisconsin and Pennsylvania—in spite of actually losing the popular vote.

“Everyone’s broadcasting but no one’s listening.”

The game comes down to one of two plays:

Leverage power to maintain majority, or
Obstruct the agenda of the majority until you can get it back.

Each election cycle we slip further and further into the crevasse of division, and the results become increasingly combative. Ultimately, the people suffer—and those most impacted are the ones with the least influence and affluence. Our standing and reputation as a nation suffers; no one wins.

Consider: Would you want your family to operate this way? Your football team? Your company? Not if you cherished it, wanted it to be competitive or have a lasting legacy.

As Lincoln said, “A house divided against itself cannot stand.”

“Would you want your family to operate this way?”

The Big Picture

This state of division doesn’t reflect who we actually are. Our society is more of a spectrum of perspectives. We are, generally speaking, a majority of either left- or right-leaning moderates with the more firmly-entrenched perspectives further out from the center. It actually looks more like this:

Though this sounds idyllic and panacean, we actually have much more in common than not. We could make tangible progress if our politics and society were guided by that truth, instead of the fear-based convenience of division.

Take any major issue facing us: Health care, immigration, social security, etc. What if our default approach were to be:

Start with what we have in common,
Then cooperate to identify a realistic outcome (even if it’s far from ideal) that isn’t tainted by political expediency or right- or left-leaning policy objectives,
Then work together to achieve that outcome, at perhaps the expense of each side’s agenda.

We are a diverse society in thought, perspective, history and experience. Diversity makes for a stronger team, as long as they share a mutual respect and a unified goal. Surely, we can identify some common ground on which we stand, can we not? For consider: If we can’t, we’ve already lost, no matter which side we’re on.

“We can identify some common ground on which we stand, can we not?”

The main point of this whole discussion is that unity is a leadership issue. Moving from division to unity won’t just happen. It’s a massive change that will come only from courageous leaders inspiring it, modeling it, exhorting it, challenging it, motivating it … And it’s bigger than any one leader can generate. It requires a collection of leaders, working collaboratively.

I appreciate the current calls for unity as we see the onboarding of a new administration. But if we don’t make the decision—as an entire society—to reject division as a collective way of life, then we’ll never achieve unity. I mean no disrespect to the Biden administration (most new administrations in recent memory have made similar calls), but a call to unity without changing the underlying we’ve-got-the-majority-now approach will only further increase the divide. One person can’t fix this problem.

The solution requires nothing less than a cultural transformation. Leaders in news, media, industry, society, neighborhoods, families must all engage. Parents must train their children on the importance of unity over division. Ordinary citizen-leaders must stand for unity in their circles of influence and expect the same from its elected officials.

Who are the leaders that will step into the gap?

“A call to unity without changing the underlying we’ve-got-the-majority-now approach will only further increase the divide.”

Your Next Step

Lincoln was advised not to deliver the “House Divided” speech, out of fear that it was too radical and may cost him the 1858 U.S. Senate seat in Illinois. Lincoln replied that “The proposition is indisputably true … and I will deliver it as written.” His opponent, Stephen Douglas, widely used his speech against him and eventually Lincoln did lose.

Curiously, it’s also been observed that while it may have cost him the Senate seat, it probably gained him the Presidency two years later. Unity will not be quick, easy or expedient. Unity will, however, establish and maintain our legacy.

C’mon, y’all … we can do this.

“The proposition is indisputably true … and I will deliver it as written”

— Abraham Lincoln

Want more leadership insights?

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You can learn a lot about by riding a bike

Damian Gerke 10/3/19 Damian Gerke 10/3/19

What Commuting Taught Me About Leadership – You Hit What You Aim For

If you don’t have a clear picture of what kind of leader you want to be, is it really a surprise that you’re not as effective as you could be?

recently left a position with a great company, but with a long daily commute. This is the fourth post of an 8-week series on things about leadership that I learned on those long and tedious hours on the road.
– – – – –

It’s easy to get bored driving the same road every day. To break the monotony I started attempting to avoid the reflectors when I changed lanes (when there were no other cars around, of course!).

After months of trying I had some occasional successes. But truth be told, I sucked at it—which troubled me because I knew I was a better driver than that.

Then one day I had an epiphany: Instead of aiming to miss the reflectors, I needed to aim for the stripe between them. The difference was instant and amazing.

As soon as I adjusted my aim point, I had almost immediate success. I could predict where my wheels were going. I could anticipate when to initiate the lane change and intentionally drive where I wanted to go. Ultimately, getting really clear on my target allowed me to get better.