Why Having the Last Word Can Kill Your Leadership Influence

Photo by Steven Depolo

Leaders often settle for control when they could have influence instead. Mind you, control in leadership is not necessarily a bad thing—in fact, in many situations it's vital. But it's only one approach.

One of the most common ways that the control vs. influence question shows up is in communication. Leaders with a control-first approach tend to talk more, listen less and generally dominate conversations.

You might say they actively seek to "win" the conversation by being the most visible and obvious speaker. There's a natural tendency to believe that if I'm talking, I'm in control—or, more accurately, if I'm not talking I've lost control. Nothing could be further from the truth.

“There’s a natural tendency to believe that ... if I’m not talking I’ve lost control.”

And Your Point Is...?

The only time you need to be in control is when you really need to be—which is actually a minority 100% the time.

So What?

The tendency to "win" conversations likely comes from patterns developed over years of controlling conversations and getting some good results, so you did it more; rinse and repeat. Now it's a habit you don't even know you have—and it's undermining your influence—though none of your subordinates are probably going to tell you about it.

In fact, they are probably working hard to emulate you because you consistently model the (perceived) behavior required to move up in the organization. So you're not only building this behavior pattern into your team, you’re also very likely baking it into the culture of your organization.

“Now it’s a habit you don’t even know you have—and it’s undermining your influence.”

You're also missing opportunities to listen to what your team is really thinking, what they actually know and how they would handle things—apart from your direction. As Andy Stanley put it, "Leaders who don't listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say." So, do you really need to have the last word?

The Big Picture

Think: What's the goal of leadership? Is it submission to our dominance as leaders? Or is it to influence other people to develop and achieve their highest possible level of success/effectiveness?

“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.”

— Andy Stanley

I strongly recommend shooting for the latter, which only comes when we give away control and decision-making authority to those we lead.

Your Next Step

Ask: What's really driving my dominating behavior? What is preventing me from being content with letting the other person "win" the conversation (when my control is not essential to the outcome)?

“What is preventing me from being content with letting the other person ‘win’ the conversation?”

Think: Start with the end in mind. For any conversation, fix in your mind the best possible outcome—for the other person. Then let your words (or your silence) drive the content of the conversation.

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Stop Trying to Be the Smartest Person in the Room

Image by Brain Light

In any group of people, only one (or maybe two) of them can be the smartest, right?

So the next time you find yourself in a room of people and are tempted to try to make a good impression with your experience or mental horsepower, or to establish yourself as a “player,” you would do well to face the simple reality that there can be only one smartest person in any given room.

“You would do well to face the simple reality that there can be only one smartest person in any given room.”

And Your Point Is...?

You either are the smartest person in the room, or you're not.

So What?

It's natural to want to make the best possible impression on others, especially if it's a group of people we don't know. It's tempting to want to make our mark and try to establish our credibility or influence.

But this effort to capture the SPITR title can be counter-productive—and maybe even detrimental—to establishing influence with the group.

First, it's very likely that everyone has already figured out who the smartest person in the room is. And if they haven't, it won't take long for them to confirm it. Trying to prove it just makes you look desperate, or egotistical.

“This effort to capture the SPITR title can be counter-productive—and maybe even detrimental—to establishing influence with the group.”

Secondly, your efforts will likely backfire on you. If you're NOT the smartest person and try to act like you are, then everyone else will see what you're trying to do—and you don't want to get branded with that. If you ARE the smartest person in the room and try to act like you are, then you run the risk of looking like a prideful, controlling jerk.

Either way, you lose credibility and trust, which is a step backward in your efforts to achieve influence with those in the room. Remember: the goal is not to be perceived as the smartest, it's to maximize your collaboration with the team and leverage what you and everyone collectively bring to the table to in order to get the best possible outcomes.

“Remember: The goal is to maximize your collaboration with the team and leverage what you and everyone collectively bring to the table to in order to get the best possible outcomes.”

The Big Picture

IQ is certainly an asset, but leadership is much more than intelligence. Many times the smartest person's opinion isn't the best way forward. So stop trying to appear as if you're the smartest in the room—as if that gives you some sort of award—and just lead. Because in the end, leadership is less about your capabilities and more about the team’s capabilities.

Your Next Step

How can you accurately assess your attempts to leave an impression?

“In the end, leadership is less about your capabilities and more about the team’s capabilities.”

Looking For a Resource?

What Commuting Taught Me About Leadership – You Hit What You Aim For

recently left a position with a great company, but with a long daily commute. This is the fourth post of an 8-week series on things about leadership that I learned on those long and tedious hours on the road.
– – – – –

It’s easy to get bored driving the same road every day. To break the monotony I started attempting to avoid the reflectors when I changed lanes (when there were no other cars around, of course!).

After months of trying I had some occasional successes. But truth be told, I sucked at it—which troubled me because I knew I was a better driver than that.

Then one day I had an epiphany: Instead of aiming to miss the reflectors, I needed to aim for the stripe between them. The difference was instant and amazing.

As soon as I adjusted my aim point, I had almost immediate success. I could predict where my wheels were going. I could anticipate when to initiate the lane change and intentionally drive where I wanted to go. Ultimately, getting really clear on my target allowed me to get better.

And Your Point Is…?

You hit what you aim for.

“Getting really clear on my target allowed me to get better.”

So What?

First (and most obvious), not aiming is the same as aiming at nothing—you’re going to hit something, you just don’t know what it will be. When I first started my game I tried to “feel” my way into the next lane and hope for the best. Didn’t work.

Second, if your aim is off target, that’s what you’ll hit: everything except the target. This was my aha experience with the reflectors: In attempting to miss them, I was actually still aiming for them. The reflectors is what I was concentrating on. In focusing on the challenge, I was blind to seeing the solution.

“Not aiming is the same as aiming at nothing—you’re going to hit something, you just don’t know what it will be.”

The Big Picture

Consider how your aim comes into play when you compare A) aiming for success (the stripe), to B) aiming for avoiding failure (missing the reflectors). Aiming to NOT fail is NOT aiming for success.

“In focusing on the challenge, I was blind to seeing the solution.”

Some simple real world examples might be “I’ll be less critical in my feedback” or “I’ll be more aggressive in producing outcomes.” Typically, any goal stated in such squishy terms is likely not to be met. Not only is the outcome not measurable, the path to achievement is obscure. This is a common concept in managing performance (a la setting SMART goals), but for some reason many people have difficulty applying the concept in managing development—especially their own.

Your Next Step

What’s an area you’d like to improve in that you’ve set goals around not failing? How can you reset them so they’re focused on the target?

“Aiming to NOT fail is NOT aiming for success.”

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What Commuting Taught Me About Leadership – Watch Out For People Advancing Their Own Position

I recently left a position with a great company, but with a long daily commute. This is the third of an 8-week blog series on things about leadership that I learned on those long and tedious hours on the road.
– – – – –

At one point in my commuting history I was averaging close to one major evasive maneuver per week. “Major” meaning that had I not taken significant action I would have been calling my insurance company—if not the ambulance.

Usually it was someone changing lanes (see my last post: Stay Visible). Often it was somebody “shooting the gap” to cross two lanes of traffic (rarely a good idea). More than once I’ve had pickups or service trucks pull alongside me then without signaling move into the “space” between me and the car in front of me—even though they hadn’t yet cleared my front bumper.

Almost always it was someone trying to get ahead of everyone else. Even though traffic was heavy, they felt compelled to zig-and-zag, forcing themselves ahead, expending a lot of effort to get in front of others.

And Your Point Is…?

I get competitiveness and wanting to win, but is getting ahead of the people you’re driving with really worth the potential damage?

“They felt compelled to zig-and-zag, forcing themselves ahead, expending a lot of effort to get in front of others.”

So What?

The marketplace is competitive (duh). Aggressiveness is often (usually?) seen as a strength; it gets you noticed. In particular, I think of business development roles where being a competitor is a desirable trait. But for most other roles, you should reconsider using competitiveness as your primary MO, because it comes with lots of potential—and usually hidden—damage.

You can damage relationships. When you push people aside to get ahead of them, you make it incredibly hard for them to trust you again. You’ll have to put in much more effort to overcome the perception that you’re really only interested in yourself.

“When you push people aside to get ahead of them, you make it incredibly hard for them to trust you again.”

You can damage your opportunity to influence. You’re not building into people; it doesn’t build a mutual purpose, accountability, motivation or camaraderie.

Your competitive approach may bring short term results, but it will eventually boomerang. You’re feeding a cutthroat culture where people become expendable and teamwork is transactional, not relational. And when you most need people to respond to your call to action, they simply won’t.

“When you most need people to respond to your call to action, they simply won’t.”

The Big Picture

When it comes to your leadership behaviors, what goes around comes around. If you honor people and their effort they will respond in kind. If you push them aside in pursuit of your own interests you’ll find yourself very alone.

Your Next Step

How can you be hungry for results but in a way that makes others better (instead of pushes them aside)?

Want more leadership insights?

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What Commuting Taught Me About Leadership – Stay Visible

I recently left a position with a great company, but with a long daily commute. This is the second of an 8-week blog series on things about leadership that I learned on those long and tedious hours on the road.
– – – – –

Aside from following too close, improper lane changes were the most frequent cause of incidents I saw on the interstate. Near misses due to other cars changing lanes was a frequent event. Sometimes it was innocent; they weren’t trying to not see me. Other times it seemed they didn’t even make an effort to check for another car.

Ultimately, their intention was irrelevant: I wanted to be proactive to let them know I was there.

The reality is that every driver—including me—has blind spots (I’ll touch on this more in a future post). Because of this, I found it a best practice to avoid driving next to another car in their rear quarter for more than 5-10 seconds. If I felt I was in a potential blind spot, I would speed up or slow down so the other driver could see me out of the corner of their eyes. I didn’t want to make myself vulnerable by not being visible.

And Your Point Is…?

If people don’t see you, they drive like you’re not there.

So What?

Not to overstate the obvious, but one of the primary ways you become visible is through good performance. Keep your commitments. Do your job well and make yourself into an asset for the team.

“I didn’t want to make myself vulnerable by not being visible.”

Beyond that, you should be aware of your best contribution—one that matches your wiring, giftedness and God-given talent (hopefully that you’ve been honing and crafting). Sometimes that means speaking first or loudest; other times it means speaking last or most profoundly. Sometimes creativity, accuracy, or comprehensiveness are most helpful. Other times it’s boldness, confidence or even compassion.

There are catalysts, analysts, implementors and supporters. Showing up most effectively to meet the greatest need of the moment will help you be more visible.

A word of caution: You can over-do this. Sometimes pushing or trying too hard to make yourself visible will work against you. The art comes in knowing how much presence to push; how big to show up.

“Showing up most effectively to meet the greatest need of the moment will help you be more visible.”

The Big Picture

Leadership is ultimately about influence. There are so many ways to influence others’ thoughts, perspectives, behaviors, approaches, processes and values. But you can’t influence if people don’t know you’re there, so be clear on what approach works best for you.

Your Next Step

How can you know your best, most natural contribution to your team? Who do you know/trust who will help you discover it?

Want more leadership insights?

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What Commuting Taught Me About Leadership – Following Is a Part of Driving

I recently left a position with a great company, but with a long daily commute. This is the first post of an 8-week series on things about leadership that I learned on those long and tedious hours on the road.
– – – – –

Some people navigate traffic skillfully, consistently. They know when to brake, and do so evenly. They’re always in the best lane and flow well in traffic. They give all the proper signals. They seem to have good automotive “body language”: Cool, calm, collected, thinking, aware. They seem to make good driving decisions.

These drivers put me at ease. They make it easy to follow; I can trust them.

Others, by contrast, are erratic. They force themselves into spaces they shouldn’t. They constantly shift from one lane to another—without signaling—or speed-up-slow-down and force the cars behind them to constantly adjust their own speed (very dangerous in heavy traffic). They panic brake or divert onto the shoulder to avoid hitting the braking car in front of them. They have zero situational awareness, seemingly only interested in themselves.

These drivers always make me nervous. I tend to pull back and keep my distance. Frankly, I can’t trust them because I have no idea what they’re going to do.

“Frankly, I can’t trust them because I have no idea what they’re going to do.”

And Your Point Is…?

In traffic or in leadership, following someone is an inevitable reality.

So What?

First, be aware of who you’re following. Whether it’s your manager or someone else, how they drive (their work) should give you an indication of whether you A) want to leave a bit of distance between the two of you, or B) can be confident enough to follow them more closely.

There’s an old adage that I’ve found to be generally true: Teams usually reflect the qualities of their leader, for better or worse. Very likely, some of your leader’s driving habits are already affecting your own. You may want to be more deliberate about making some level of adjustment in the way you follow.

“Very likely, some of your leader’s driving habits are already affecting your own.”

Second, be aware that others are following you—or better said, they are choosing whether to follow you or not. Are you driving (your work) in a way that makes others trust you: Consistent, calm, cool and collected? Or are you erratic, shifting lanes, not signaling and operating without situational awareness?

The Big Picture

Almost all of us are both leading (even if we’re only leading ourselves) and following. Having more awareness to how and why we’re doing both will reveal ways to improve our leadership.

Your Next Step

Look in your rear-view mirror and ask yourself: Are those following me keeping a safe distance from my leadership, and if so, why?

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